Category Archives: Family

My Daughter the Kool-Aid Head

Last weekend I heard the words from my teenaged daughter that every father dreads. You raise ‘em up, you teach them right from wrong, bandage their scraped knees and protect them from as much of the world’s ugliness as you … Continue reading

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School Lunch: It’s Complicated

This morning, as the kids were filling their mouths with cereal the way I fill the emotional hole in my psyche with booze, I read the school lunch offering from the menu on the refrigerator door. “Today’s hot lunch is … Continue reading

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Adventures In Dogsitting: Ooh Ooh That Smell

Ah, on cold mornings like this, nothing feels better on the bare feet than a wood floor in a gas-heated home. Until you step in the dog vomit. Fred. We dogsit Fred for a friend when she goes out of … Continue reading

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The Making of Off White Christmas, Part 1

It all started with a hamburger. A big, greasy, overbuilt monstrosity that was reportedly “demolished” by Guy Fieri, the Food Network dude who made a career out of a hairstyle. The restaurant was Waddell’s in Spokane, and I’d called Chip … Continue reading

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How Clean Is Clean?

How clean is clean? It depends on whom you’re cleaning for, and who’s doing the cleaning. I’ve learned (usually the hard way) that “clean” means something different to men than it does to women. Men like things to LOOK clean: … Continue reading

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Getting Schooled at the Open House

Well, it’s that time of year again—dodging bodies in the school hallway, navigating a strange new campus, trying to decipher a confusing schedule sheet, and hustling to beat the bell in time to find an empty desk before the teacher … Continue reading

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A Tale of Two Teams: Can a Marriage Survive?

The chatter of the exuberant bar full of NFL fans dropped to a murmur as we made our way through the Desperado last October. We took a seat at a table near the biggest of the big screens, she in … Continue reading

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Math Is Your Friend.

Good news on the employment front: if you’re willing to learn third-grade arithmetic, and have a working knowledge of your homeland’s most popular spoken language, you should be able to leap-frog over millions of America’s working knuckleheads and find a … Continue reading

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Going to the Bird Sanctuary? Don’t Forget Your Arrowproof Vest

I’m not fat. James Gandolfini is fat. Larry the Cable Guy is fat. Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s rape file is fat. I’m stocky. Stout. Barrel-chested. A densely-packed man of action. Not fat. So when my wife casually grabbed a handful of my … Continue reading

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Dog Vs Squirrel: Persistence Is Futile!

It’s a conflict as old as time itself: dog versus squirrel. Hundreds of generations of selective breeding and adaptive evolution have somehow failed to disabuse dogs of the idea that they might be able to catch a squirrel, even though … Continue reading

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