Category Archives: Animals

Why Does the Floor Have To Be So Low?

I am a pathetic worm. A writhing, whining, grunting, squirming carcass of need. Normal everyday function has been rendered impossible. For example, if I concentrate and struggle mightily for several minutes, I can remove one of my socks. I won’t … Continue reading

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Daddy’s Little Helper

Man, I haven’t been right since I fell out of bed this morning. The alarm went off, I misjudged my swipe at the snooze button, and fell right onto the dog, who was was in a dead sleep on the … Continue reading

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Adventures In Dogsitting: Ooh Ooh That Smell

Ah, on cold mornings like this, nothing feels better on the bare feet than a wood floor in a gas-heated home. Until you step in the dog vomit. Fred. We dogsit Fred for a friend when she goes out of … Continue reading

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Math Is Your Friend.

Good news on the employment front: if you’re willing to learn third-grade arithmetic, and have a working knowledge of your homeland’s most popular spoken language, you should be able to leap-frog over millions of America’s working knuckleheads and find a … Continue reading

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Going to the Bird Sanctuary? Don’t Forget Your Arrowproof Vest

I’m not fat. James Gandolfini is fat. Larry the Cable Guy is fat. Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s rape file is fat. I’m stocky. Stout. Barrel-chested. A densely-packed man of action. Not fat. So when my wife casually grabbed a handful of my … Continue reading

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Dog Vs Squirrel: Persistence Is Futile!

It’s a conflict as old as time itself: dog versus squirrel. Hundreds of generations of selective breeding and adaptive evolution have somehow failed to disabuse dogs of the idea that they might be able to catch a squirrel, even though … Continue reading

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