Guest Billy Bob Wire Speaks Out on Guns

Hey, folks, how you doing? Billy Bob Wire here, sitting in for my second cousin Bob, who asked me to write a little something from a gun owner’s point of view for his blog today. (He’s only my second cousin by marriage, but we recently found out we have the same granddaddy. Go figure.)

See, my cousin Bob ain’t what you’d call a ‘gun enthusiast.’ That poor ol’ boy just don’t know much about firearms. So, he called me up at my home in Sula, Montana last week, to see if I’d provide what he called an ‘alternative viewpoint.’

I told Bob that I’d be happy do it, but I didn’t have a whole lot of time on my hands just then, on account of I had to make several trips into Hamilton, and a drive up to Kalispell, to get my hands on as many assault rifles as I could. See, it was the day after the tragic election, and you probably know that Barack Hussein Obama is a big anti-gun nut. Voted on all kinds of gun bans and stuff when he was a Senator in Chicago. Well, you can bet your camo underpants that he’s gonna probably pull that same weepy liberal crap once he gets into the White House, so I figure I better get right with Jesus, and buy all the guns I can.

Hell, it don’t even seem to bother Barack Hussein Obama that he’ll be trampling all over our Second Amendment rights. It says right there in the Bible, that all Americans have the right to bear arms and create a militia. (We actually have a kick-ass militia in Darby, although most of us had been booted out of the Freemen and lost our drivers licenses on account of drunk driving, so we had to arm our militia with paintball guns. We might not be able to kill any insurgents when they come through the woods, but buddy, we’ll make ‘em easy to spot.)

Anyways, I know how Barack Hussein Obama kept saying through his whole campaign that he wasn’t gonna take anybody’s guns away. Well, not without a gun, he ain’t! You see what I’m getting at? Everyone needs to have a gun. It ain’t to start fights or rob people or anything like that. It’s for self-protection, pure and simple. If everyone had a gun on them at all times, there wouldn’t be no more of these school shootings, for one thing. Can you imagine? One of them outcast brainiacs comes into MY classroom and pulls out a nine out of his overcoat, well, I’d say hold it right there, Dim Sum, while I blast you full of freedom holes.

That’s why I keep no less than four loaded stoppers in my bedroom. My missus, Janie “Taut” Wire, keeps a Smith & Wesson police service revolver under her pillow. Used to belong to her daddy, who was a cop in San-de-damn-iego in the sixties. He passed away a while back, and knowing that her daddy’s gun is in the bed with us while we’re getting busy, well, it gets a little weird. But it’s a small price to pay, because the day will come, my friends, when some drugged-out crack head will climb over our concertina wire fence, disable the Brinks electronic security alarm, jimmy the six deadbolts on the front door, outsmart the motion detector system, and break down the steel door to our bedroom so’s he can rape my wife and shoot my dog. Well, bring it on, Mr. Crime Doer, ‘cause I’ll be waiting here with my fully chromed Sig Sauer P229 and a mile long boner.

Now, I’ve been keeping up with all the news during this last couple of years, mostly Guns ‘n Ammo magazine and Fox News, just to make sure I’m getting a wide variety of perspectives. Evidently, there seems to be some question among laymen (people who don’t own guns), as to why somebody would need a semi-automatic assault rifle, like the AR-15, or maybe a sleek Uzi. My answer to that question is, are you effin’ shitting me? Because it FEELS good, you moron! Listen, a lot of us gun owners ain’t got a whole lot going for us, but when we go out to the quarry and blast the shit out of a dirt pile with enough lead to make our own personal Yucca Mountain, well, there just ain’t a feeling like that in the world. Hell, just thinking about it puts a lump in my shorts.

And them flash supressors and silencers and 500-round clips? If you’re a hunter, I don’t have to tell you how crafty them elk and deer have been getting. If you want to make sure and hit your target within 50 feet of your truck, you have to even the odds a little, that’s all.

You know, I might not have any idea what the First Amendment, or the Fiftieth Amendment, or any of them other Amendments is about, but by God, the Second Amendment is the one I recite every night when I’m saying my prayers. If the last eight years have taught me anything about living in the U.S. of A., it’s that fear and paranoia are healthy and necessary, and there ain’t no way I’m facing our bright new future without a shit load of automatic weapons.

I pledge allegiance to the NRA, and the United States of America. In that order. Anybody who don’t think that’s patriotic, well, they can speak with my attorneys, Mr. Winchester and Mr. Remington.

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