Out on the interstate, you see a variety of vehicles from nearly every state. That is one aptly named road, brother. While it’s not really fair to generalize about a state’s entire population (Alaskans are all hockey moms who sound like they’re from Wisconsin; everyone in Nebraska is boring, etc.), each state in the Union does project a certain identity.
They all try to control everyone’s perception of this identity by coming up with some bland state slogan like “Virginia Is For Lovers” or “Maryland, More Than You Can Imagine.” Well, you can have your incarcerated meth cookers stamp that Hallmark crap on a million license plates, but we all know all about your state. That goes for all fifty of you. Nobody gets off easy. I’m looking at you, Hawaii.
So why not have a little fun with it? I mean, if Mississippi is full of crackers and is proud of it, why not just call it the Saltine State? Hell, if a state can’t have a little chuckle at itself, it doesn’t deserve to be more than a District. I’m looking at you, Nation’s Capital.
Here are a few suggestions that could be sewn into the state flag or printed on bumper stickers that could be slapped on the rear end of every $600,000 RV that stops at a Cracker Barrel so its inhabitants can fill up on corn chowder and fried okra.
Hawaii: We’re not really off the coast of Texas, like it shows on the map.
Washington: We’re touching Canada’s bottom!
California: Can you be more Pacific?
Iowa: Hardcore Cornography.
Nevada: Beautiful beaches! Just no ocean.
Oklahoma: Panhandle? More like a manhandle!
Delaware: What did Delaware? I don’t know—Alaska. Ha ha.
Wyoming: Where the men are men. Even the women are men.
Alaska: You can see Canada from here.
New Jersey: Smells better than Old Jersey.
South Dakota: See Mount Rushmore. But take your time. Get it?
Oregon: Gateway to Idaho.
New York: What are you lookin’ at?
Arizona: Yeah but it’s a dry heat.
Kansas: Give us a wave as you’re flying over!
Utah: Brigham Young, and bring ‘em soon.
Rhode Island: The taint of New England.
Michigan: Toronto lost us in a poker game.
Florida: Yes, it looks like a penis. We know.
Texas: Houston, we have a problem. It’s Dallas.
Minnesota: Neighbor to both the Dakotas. Whoop de doo.
New Mexico: Still under warranty.
Colorado: Panhandle? We don’t need no stinking panhandle!
Louisiana: Visit beautiful New Orleans! Say hi to Aquaman for me.
Alabama: Eight year olds, dude.
Of course I can’t let my own state off the hook. The Last Best Place, the Treasure State, Big Sky Country, these best-foot-forward mottos all reflect the appeal of Montana’s natural abundance and wide open spaces. But to anyone who’s spent enough of their lives here to know the true character of this great state, there are some more fitting slogans out there.
Montana: Where fly fishermen are snobbier than Posh Spice at a Wal-Mart.
Montana: We’re workaholics! Only with alcohol.
Montana: A vast republic of right wing, conservative Christian gun nuts. And Missoula.
Montana: We’re like Paris in the 1920’s. I mean, technology-wise.
Montana: Thanks for visiting! Now get the hell out.