Finally! A Truly Entertaining Debate

These Presidential Debates have become anything but Presidential. Contentious, rude, overbearing and disingenuous, both candidates have turned me off like a Jagermeister spigot at an AA meeting.

Other than rising to new levels of disrespect and condescension, are President Obama and Governor Romney saying anything new, really? They’re both just spewing the same cherry-picked “facts” and cheerleading slogans they’ve been repeating at various campaign events for the last two years.

I think they’re missing a great opportunity. Just once, I’d like to see one of these guys drop his guard and not worry about how he’s moving that little approval line at the bottom of the screen. You know who would also appreciate some honesty from a candidate? Whole binders full of women.

Here’s how it should go:

The moderator is Charlie Sheen, and the debate is being held Town Hall style at the Elks Lodge in Gardiner, Montana. The four undecided voters in Montana are in the audience, along with Girl Scout Troop #331, the Bozeman chapter of Magic the Gathering Addicts Anonymous, and former Montana State Senator Greg Barkus.

Sheen: Welcome, Mr. President, and Governor…hey, Romney, you’re the Governor of something?

“I respectfully yield the floor to the President.”
“Thank you kindly, Mr. Governor. Much appreciated.”

Romney: Yes, I served as the Governor of Massachusetts. And while I was Governor, I balanced the…

Sheen: Oh yeah? Well, I served as the Grand Master Whipsmith of Winning. I won Best Picture at twenty. I wasn’t even trying.

Romney: Is that a question?

Sen. Barkus: Never ashk a shailor if he’ll have another DRINK!

Sheen: Hey, old balcony dude from the Muppets—sit down. You’re not winning.

Obama: Can I just say one thing? Look. I’m the President. When “Governor” [smirks at Romney] Romney says he balanced the budget, that’s nothing to brag about. How much did he allocate to the defense budget of Massachusetts? How did he fund Massachusetts’ Medicaid program? Their food stamps? Their Navy? [Cups hand to oversized ear] What? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Romney: Look. I also won the…I mean, I went to the Olympics and balanced their budget.

Sheen: Big deal. The Olympics is full of droopy-eyed armless children.

Romney: What?

Obama: Sit down, Mitt. First question goes to me. I’m the President. Mr. Sheen, what is the first question? Looking forward to it.

Sheen: First question comes from Ajax Ledbetter, a llama rancher from White Sulfur Springs. You know what eats llamas? A tiger. With tiger’s blood.

Obama: Welcome, Mr. Bedwetter. What’s your question?

Ajax Ledbetter: Actually, it’s Ledbetter…

Obama: I’m the President.

Ledbetter: Uh, all right. My question is this: If our government is borrowing money to finance two wars, and you say we will take the money we save by ending these wars, and spend it on stuff like infrastructure and job creation, won’t we just be borrowing the money to do that?

Sheen: I don’t understand the question. And I have Adonis DNA. Look at what I’m dealing with, man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls.

Obama: Shut up, Charlie. Mr. Bedwetter asks an excellent question…

[Romney jumps up from his stool and steps in between Obama and the camera] Yes, it IS an excellent question, Mr. Tenpinner, and I intend to answer it by addressing an entirely different question. When I was staffing my cabinet as Governor of the Olympics, I really wanted to surround myself with women. You know, like Brigham Young and Joseph Smith and those guys. So I looked around, and there were so few qualified women. “Where are the chicks?” I said. Next thing I know, my staff is bringing me binders full of women…

Sheen: Was this before the internet? Because now you can use the internet.

Bakus: Oh snap!

[Obama shoves Romney into a folding table of sliced cheese and cold cuts. The table collapses as Romney falls on top of it, getting covered with Ritz crumbs and bits of gorgonzola and extra sharp cheddar.]

Obama: Hey, look. I didn’t start this mess. But I am trying to clean it up. Do you know how hard it is to clean something up when the Republicans in Congress keep taking away your broom? Your vacuum cleaner? You mop and bucket? I do. Because I’m the President.

[As Romney stands and brushes food off his $4,000 Armani suit, a shout is heard from offstage.]

Offstage voice: Ask them where you can find Welfare and Medicaid in the Constitution!

Obama: Who let Ron Paul in here? Get him out of here.

[A scuffle is heard offstage, amid angry shouts that “Drugs should be legal” and “Ayn Rand is a babe!”]

Romney: You know, he has a point, Barry. Why are we supporting a nation of welfare queens and drug dealers and food stamp cheats, when that money should rightfully be going back into the pockets of people who inherited their fortune from their hardworking parents?

Obama: Do you mean black people?

Romney: [nodding his head in the affirmative] No.

Sheen: We have another question from the audience. He’s a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. No, wait, that’s me.

Romney: You know, my friends, it doesn’t matter what the question is, because this is going to be my answer. We can’t afford four more years of this man. He has doubled our national debt from ten trillion dollars to sixteen trillion. Unemployment was at eight percent when he took office four years ago, and that figure has tripled to twelve and a half percent!

Obama: Actually, “Governor,” that’s…

Romney: Sit back down, Dumbo, I’m talking .

Obama: [appealing to moderator Sheen, who is doing a line of coke off Chelsea Handler’s bare midriff] I was told I’d get a chance to…

Romney: [wheeling to point at Obama] Not another word! See, friends, he’s real good at giving speeches and saluting at coffins and all that, but we simply can’t afford another four years of this man’s policies. Well, I can, actually. I can afford anything. But you people can’t. Because you’re all victims who have become dependent on the government teat…

[Romney advisor stands just off-camera, frantically drawing a finger across his throat]

Romney: …and people like Ann and I, well, we don’t feel sorry for you in the least. We’ve got it wired. I have more money than God, and even He doesn’t know where I keep it.

[Romney begins loosening his tie, becomes visibly more relaxed] You know, it’s like I was telling that young Negro boy who was shining my shoes on the tarmac this summer, you might as well give it up, son. The rich, white plutocracy has been running things for a long time. We’re simply trying to put one of our own at the head of the table. If I lose this election? Big deal. I’m a professional campaigner. It’s what I do. I’ll while away the next four years buying companies, squeezing all their cash out like caviar from a sturgeon, and destroying the lives of all its employees when I toss the worthless carcass on the bankruptcy pile.

Obama: Wow.

Sheen: Wow.

Barkus: Barkeep!

Romney: [lights up a foot-long cigar with a hundred dollar bill] That’s right, peons. I win, no matter what. Hey, Sheen, you want to go back to the hotel with me? I have a couple of premium hookers in a cage on top of my Escalade.

Sheen: Hey, let’s do it. I have only one speed: Go.

[Obama stand up, extends his arm straight out and drops the microphone to the stage.] Screw this. I’ve got a country to run. I’m the President.

[Fade to black.]

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